put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
