Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
So apparently I’m into choking now
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