I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
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