It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
