3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
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