Quick, to the slutcave!
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
