He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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