Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Randomize
