You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
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