I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I am mentally ready for anal.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
