Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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