last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
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