Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
