you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
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