I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Randomize
