You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
