I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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