The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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