Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Randomize
