PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
