My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
