I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Randomize
