I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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