awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Randomize
