better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
