You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Randomize