you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Randomize
