He had one of those small greek statue penises
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
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