How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
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