Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Randomize
