I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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