cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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