the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
