We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Semen is not good for contacts.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
