Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
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