Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
