I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
