I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
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