He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Randomize
