Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
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