Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
