Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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