shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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