Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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