Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
