Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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