Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
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