I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Randomize
