its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
