I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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