I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
