If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
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