So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I got inside last night via doggy door
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
