Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
