When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
