i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
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