My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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