My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Found your dick twin last night
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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