i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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