I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
So vagazzling was a success
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
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