When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
only you would photoshop your dick
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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