and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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