she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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